As the original article puts it, parents have to stay with their children during instrument practice. The younger the child, the more support they need: if you are not there, they will not practice.
But being there can also leave you angry and frustrated, leading to conflict with your child.
You feel as though you have put in an enormous effort with nothing to show for it.
One parent puts it bluntly: “Every time we practice, I am the enemy in my child’s eyes.”
So what are parents getting wrong, despite spending so much time and energy?
The original article cites an informal, unofficial survey with a sample of 420 interviewees. It suggests that the answer may be saying the wrong things.
There are some things you are better off not saying during practice. Try to avoid them—or better still, do not say them at all.
Below, we have rounded up five remarks that young music students really, really, really dislike. Parents, see whether any sound familiar!
1 - “Why Are You So Stupid?”
Type: Personal attack and put-down.
This is a blatant personal attack. Even adults find it hard to accept, so how can we expect children to take it?
What a child might be thinking:
- I really am that stupid. I will never learn to play this.
- If you are so smart, you play it!
- You do not even understand it, yet you are criticizing me.
Dislike rating: ★★★★★
2 - “If You Cannot Play It Properly, You Do Not Get to Eat”
Type: Threat.
The article describes an approach familiar among Chinese parents: mixing coaxing with intimidation. But constantly threatening children with “You cannot eat” or “You cannot sleep” is, frankly, rather inhumane.
This may leave children feeling wronged and resentful. It may also make children who already dislike eating even less willing to eat.
What a child might be thinking:
- Fine, I will not eat. At least I can lose some weight.
- Let me starve to death. Then I will not have to practice anymore.
Dislike rating: ★★★★☆
3 - “Paying for You to Learn an Instrument Is a Complete Waste of Money”
Type: Blame.
Learning an instrument costs money, and that should be clear before you begin. The article, written in China in 2019, remarks that even pork was expensive at the time. When you are paying to learn a skill that can stay with you for a lifetime, is money really the point?
What a child might be thinking:
It was not even my idea to learn. Why not save that money and buy me something instead? Money matters much more to you than I do.
Dislike rating: ★★★★★
4 - “Look at How You Play, Then Look at So-and-So”
Type: Comparison.
Parents first need to understand that every child starts learning music from a different place. Blind comparisons only undermine a child’s confidence and may even make them dislike practicing.
What a child might be thinking:
- So-and-so is so annoying. What is so great about playing well?
- Why do you not go and be so-and-so’s mom instead?
Dislike rating: ★★★★☆
5 - “If You Do Not Want to Practice, Then Do Not (You Will Never Learn It Anyway)”
Type: Negativity.
Instrument practice is a long-term commitment. For a child, getting fed up and dragging their feet is entirely normal. Even an adult would struggle to keep doing the same thing over and over every day. At times like these, do not say discouraging things to your child. This kind of cold emotional mistreatment is unacceptable.
What a child might be thinking:
- I stopped wanting to practice ages ago. Would I dare say no?
- What is the point of saying the opposite of what you mean every day?
Dislike rating: ★★★★
During practice, the most important thing for parents is to stay patient. Your impatience does nothing except put more pressure on your child.
Often, words have already caused harm before parents even realize it. Even when you need to be strict, do not cross any of the five lines described above.